I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
