Tell her she can't have a vagina
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
