i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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