I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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