im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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