remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
