Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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