not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We need a shit load of segways right now
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
