you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
