toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
How's work?
Spinning.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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