I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I touched a dick in church today
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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