I just threw up on my dentist
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
