Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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