it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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