If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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