i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's rum buckets o'clock
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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