FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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