Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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