You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
