dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
