what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i would one night stand the shit outta him
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
