just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
