at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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