got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
