You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
