guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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