omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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