I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
