Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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