Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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