He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
