im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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