I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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