If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
