3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
