You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
