There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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