My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
