I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
