I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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