dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
