just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
be right there i have to get my cape
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
