We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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