I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
