I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
thus making me awesome and them whores
either way he was missing a nipple.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
