My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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