Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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