why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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