i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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