Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I am midnight drunk by noon
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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