just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
