but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
