I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
