Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
