Apparently you make a good broom.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
