Need sex. Gaining weight.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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