I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
