When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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